The Right Path
So that you know, that first message on Instagram about starting NotYetDads was scary. Mainly because when I wrote that, I hadn't worked a full day in over two months. And I still haven't. According to the specialists, I've got somewhat of a depression that disallows me to work at full capacity. So putting something "out there" when having a foggy vizor felt like a bad idea.
But after I shared my first story, support came out of nowhere, especially after the last story about our current roller coaster ride. Long-time friends, people with that sparkle in their eyes, took an effort to share something personal and cheer me on.
Isn't it weird? I write down how shit life's been lately and that I take a stand. And out of the crooks of my life, positivity flows towards me. Message after message. Call after call. Flowers, very touching cards, even packages filled with kindness and love show up to my doorstep, seemingly out of nowhere. I'm humbled for all I've received. Thank you, thank you.
And instantly, my fear comes back: "What if I can't live up to what I set out to do?", "What if I fail again, just as all those other times setting up something that wasn't as successful as I intended?", and "Did taking a stand, jinx the pregnancy?".
These are words that the self-assured me I was months ago would have never thought to have. I judge myself for having these thoughts. And then, I judge my judgment. Since somehow I know it's ridiculous.
But we've lost twins earlier this week, so I hurt. And my wife hurts too. Next to emotional pain, she also has to deal with the physical consequences of the miscarriage. And I don't know what I can do to lighten that uncomfortable burden. We have sincere and emotional talks continuously, and somehow keep getting to the conclusion that we both have trouble understanding it all.
We have a hard time to make sense of life.
Then, something strange occurs. A silver lining when reading Reboot. A book, kindly gifted to me by The Social Mayor of Amsterdam, about the art of growing up.
The words from Jerry Colonna strike me: "What if being lost is part of the path? What if feeling lost, directionless, and uncertain of the progress is an indicator of growth? What if it means you're exactly where you need to be, on the pathless path".
It reminds me of a fortune cookie I opened almost two decades ago and taped to my wall to remind myself daily: "I am always at the right place, at the right time."
I know it's just a thought, but it's a warming thought to find comfort in discomfort. To know that prosperity can follow being in pain. It gives me a particular strength to believe it's going to be alright.
For now, being on no path at all is the right path.
With that in mind, I can start my effort to tackle the meaty part of Not Yet Dads. Getting the knowledge base setup will be in the form of some long reads at first. Somewhat similar to WaitButWhy by Tim Urban? I love how he uses stories to explain difficult subjects, mainly by using self-drawn stick figure images. So be warned, I ordered an Apple Pencil. Crappy drawings are coming your way!